Insanity

You may not be able to choose your family, but you can choose your friends. So do it wisely.

Sometimes your closest friends can lie to you, and in my opinion is so much worse than if they straight up told the truth. For example, your close friend can agree with another friend that this kid is a douchebag but end up not really meaning it in the end and eventually hang out with this douchebag and hook up with her again. My close friends are close. I fight with them, and we have our fights but it’s all benign. I fight so I know that they can’t and won’t always say what pleases me most and I won’t do vice versa.

I don’t need yes men, I need friends. And sometimes some close friends forget that. Not cool.

I'm usually not arrogant, and I don't like bragging about myself. But I’m a really swell guy. I’m really nice, and I’m super helpful. There’s rarely a problem that I can’t solve. From relationship issues to just having trouble sleep, if I’m awake I’ll help you. I’ll put you first, even if it compromises me.

So if you can’t see that, then f**k you. And if you take advantage of that, karma deserves to kick you in the nuts hard/punch you in the ovaries hard.

Some days

Good morning loves. I woke up earlier than I usually do. Since it's Saturday, I try to sleep but my eyes are open. So yea. Here I am killing time by blogging. Hihi. Some days it’s easier to do what I do. Some days it’s easier to have a clear mind, to remember how to smile, to focus on other things in life. But some days it’s impossible to do any of that. Some days I am ready to give up. Some days it all comes flooding back, and it’s all I think about. Some days I can’t smile, I can't even sleep and I can barely stop myself from thinking. I’m trying to get through it, and I truly am doing it alone. It’s a solo effort, contrary to what I said. And every time I fall back at rock bottom, I start over. I build from square one. I’m not giving up because I can’t give up. Anything is better than crawling back to you. I'm still recovery in process. Step by step. day by day. I believe it's gonna work out this time. Must. Have. Should. Well, may I have the strength to carry on, the power to shut out all the negative thoughts, and the confidence to start anew. That's all.  I should have my breakfast now. Have a blessed Saturday loves. Take care.

Assalamualaikum.

Chill Friday

So one of my friends invited me over to Castle, Kg Baru to smoke hookah. Everyone was there, the people I actively contacted to hang out with. I went there around 11 pm, and it was just a small gathering of people. And it was really chill. We talked about some odd subjects though. I of course didn’t have much to offer, but I listened. They are my best friends I knew from high school but rarely hang out with lately. So yea. I haven't been doing nothing much today. It was a chill day for me. After this most likely shall consist of doing cleaning my room, watching movies, drawing, writing, and just chillin. That's it for now. Good night loves.

Assalamualaikum.

Recovering, Healing

Hi loves, it's been a while since the last update. I hope you guys are doing fine out there. And if you're wondering about me, I'm getting better and better. Alhamdulillah. Too many things happened in my life in the last 3 months. And I'm really sorry for the lack of updates. I've been really busy being dead. Haha just kidding. I spent most of the time on Twitter and Facebook. The only reason why I rarely update this blog is because this blog itself reminds me of him. Oh well you know who. But don't worry because I can handle my emotions better now. Hihi.College life? I just realized I took the wrong path since I'm considering becoming a HRM. So I'll be taking Diploma in Management. Next week I have my orientation and I am really excited to meet new friends. It will be hard in the beginning and I'm hoping everything goes well. And yes, of course I do need some time to get used to the new environment. Love life? Love doesn't exist in my dictionary anymore. Haha no, that's a lie. Mhmm it's not that I don't believe in love, I do, but I'm not ready to fall in love yet. I admit I do feel lonely, pathetic and empty but that don't mean I have to be in a relationship with someone. I will when I'm ready. Whether you realize it or not, time flies by too fast and June is getting nearer. Ahmazing. I absolutely can't wait to meet my brother from another mother, Nik Aqil Aminuddin. He's going back in the middle of June. Yeayerzzzz, can't wait. Well I guess that's it for now. Whenever I'm free, I'll be back here. Take care of yourself loves. May Allah bless us and keep us all safe wherever we are.

Assalamualaikum.

The Death of A Masterpiece

It's a sad day when not a damn thing can satisfy me. Not even cupcakes or munchies. If you know me, you know I love those. It didn't help. It's been almost five months, isn't that long enough to be sad and lonely? Isn't that long enough to have spent wondering why? And being miserable? Apparently to me, it's not. It seems I'm still taking a while to feel better. Gotta clear a few things from my mind before I'm about to hit the sack. Take care of yourself loves.

Assalamualaikum.

A Letter of Memories

I shouldn't talk about you. I shouldn't even think of you. But I did. I really miss you. 91 days without you and here I am, still thinking about you. I know this is wrong. I know I should stop hurting myself. I know. But I can't help it. You saw my broken ways and literally became the wall that stopped me in my tracks. My stubborn personality and twisted sense of trust with guys made me hide everything from you along with everyone else. But for some reason you keep pushing and prodding untill you knew ever last detail, even things that I hadn't even know about myself. You stuck with me, making me snap out of my broken way, cleaning up the broken mess of a heart I had from all the horrible romances before you. We grew together for 395 days. From all the lies we had told each other neither of us trusted the other, and though we loved each other we weren't able to get past the heartache we had caused each other. For the last month we're together, the fighting was never ending, and your constant desire to hide me from your family ate away at me. But you can just put all the blame on me. I know I'll never be good enough for you.

It has been ninety one days now. In all this time I just haven’t stopped myself from thinking about you, but the thing is that I don't want to. Every moment spent with you was worth it. You words is the thing I miss the most, how you talked to me, and you always let me know how much you loved me. Anyway, I just want to say I am sorry. I am sorry for everything. You and I both know we couldn't keep going on the way we were. You were my angel, and you saved me. No matter how rough the bad times were, I never for a second regret our time together. You were always with me, it is just that sometimes, no matter how much two people love each other, it just will not work, and as much as it hurts me, and as much as I wanted to have you for myself, you were never mine to have. I wish you nothing but the best in life, and though I know I will never see you again, I hope that you know that I will always love you, and there is not enough words in the world to express how thankful I am for having have met you and gotten to have you in my life. I heard that you're happy now with the new girl, I hope you both last forever. InsyaAllah. I pray that Allah will take care of you, guide you and unite you with a righteous woman. All the best in anything you do and stay happy A.

P.s Happy 19th Birthday MAA.

Until another life,
"Boo Boo"

Drained

Hello everyone. How's your Friday? If you're asking me how's mine, I gotta say that it was just fine. I just got home from RC, Wangsa Maju. Aisha is having a sleep-over at my place tonight. Glad that she's here with me or else I will keep on questioning about everything. The truth is, I just want to stop thinking too much about everything. I’m so tired of feeling this way. There are times when I absolutely love my life, but unfortunately they’re taken over by bigger chunks of times that make me want to scream my lungs out. It sucks how you can spend hours, days, months, maybe even years, thinking and hoping for someone. But what’s left? The memories? The messages? Everything hurts. The flashbacks and images that run through my mind about them constantly haunt me. If only heartbreak was a shared feeling. It’s too bad that these days only one side of the broken heart really cares. Blablabla let's just skip the drama. I'm getting my tongue pierced tomorrow. For the third time. Nais. I'm so exhausted. It's almost 5am and I should really get some sleep now. So yeah. Good night owls. May tomorrow be a whole lot better than today. InsyaAllah. Take a very good care of yourself and have a blessed Saturday.


Assalamualaikum.

I'd rather die

RIP 11/12/2010 - 30/01/2012

I've been through a lot of crap with my past relationship and here I am, welcoming myself to the same pain. The only reason I'm afraid of accepting you in at the first place is because I don't want to feel this pain. But promises are made to be broken don't they? You're the reason I'm in so much pain now. The reason I'm not sleeping lately. The reason I lose my appetite. So thank you, thank you for this. I trust the process in life. What goes around comes all the way back around and what you give is what you get. You won't leave me and hurt me if you do love me because love doesn't work that way. I don't know what happened but you push me away. I blame myself for not being good enough for you. And I blame myself for I've failed in this relationship. It's not like I didn't try to fix it, I did. And not a million words would bring you back, I know because I've tried. I'm not giving up but you push me to. You said this was a mistake. Oh how could it be a mistake. It's okay, been here, done this. This heart can heal but it never forgets its reasoning. I wasn't right for you and you're looking for the person that is. I hope you're happy with your new girlfriend. She must be really lucky. And no worries, I don't need to get revenge, Allah will do it for me. I forgive you for all the pain you have caused me and I will always always pray for your happiness. Thank you for this bittersweet memories Mohd.Aqif bin Abdullah Embong. Good bye. So long "boo".

It's all started with this. And...sighs

You're killing me

I miss you, I miss us and I miss our good old days. That's all I could say for now.

Happy 1st Year Anniversary.

He’s been my bestfriend for over a year now. His favorite color’s green, he’s not a big fan of books. He doesn’t really like to talk but when he knows someone then you’ll know. He loves football. Last year was when we got to really know each other. We like-ed each other's status in Facebook and suddenly he leave a message in my Fb's inbox asking for my phone number, that's where it all started. He’s stubborn and he likes to make fun of me. We rarely communicate but if we meet each other, we'll spend those precious time like there's no tomorrow. We fight. We don’t have much in common. He knows I hate being ignored but he doesn’t care, he’ll ignore me anyways. He saw me through really hard times and always helped make me feel better. He makes me less insecure about everything, he makes me like my thighs and my calves, he makes me feel comfortable and tells me I’m doing everything right when I get paranoid about doing things wrong. I mess up and he still says he loves me.

He makes a great bestfriend and an even better boyfriend. He's my everything. In the moments of my weakness he's the rock I cling to. When I am strong, he's my biggest fan. He is a soft place to rest. Even though we have small disagreements, at the end of the day, I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else but him. My mind is always crowded with thoughts of him because he makes my realities seem like dreams. I love him for the pain, the distance, the disappointments, the fights, and the tears that never took over our relationship. We’re not happy all the time, but we always will be. That guy is Mohd.Aqif bin Abdullah. Always will be him. Thank you for taking me back when I started to doubt things. I’m not always strong, but you were strong enough for the both of us. Thanks Sayang, for not giving up on me because I know I’m not the best girlfriend, but despite my flaws, you still love me. 111210,1:41am Forever & Always, InsyaAllah.

Happy Anniversary Mohd.Aqif.